


crowded places

by ohsusie



Category: Men's Football RPF
Genre: Angst, Champions League, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Minor Injuries, True Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-15
Updated: 2020-12-15
Packaged: 2021-03-10 23:22:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,035
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28095369
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ohsusie/pseuds/ohsusie
Summary: "i'm on my way. you're not that far away, i'll be there in a few minutes. just breathe and wait for me."it's easier said than done. toby stays on the phone with him and instructs his breathing (breathe in for four seconds, hold for two, breathe out for five), but jan's body keeps telling him he's running out of air, he needs to breathe quicker. the tears burn in his throat and he's hyperventilating and he just wants to be home, hide in his bed, never play football again.alternatively, liverpool beats spurs in the champions league final. jan isn't very good at handling losses.
Relationships: Toby Alderweireld/Jan Vertonghen
Kudos: 9





	crowded places

jan always lectures his teammates about destructive coping habits. he tells them it's okay to be sad and upset, as long as they don't do anything that will hurt themselves or others. most of the time, they don't listen. harry still avoids eating whenever he gets too disappointed in himself while dele eats until he throws up and eric has to rub his back and wipe his tears away. 

toby is the one who has to lecture jan, because he can't do it himself. when jan gets stuck in his own head and fixates on every fault in himself he can find, toby's the one who stays at his apartment to keep him from overexerting himself by staying at the gym until 2 am or running until his legs would give out.

he doesn't have the time to stop him today. jan hurries up the flight of stairs to leave his stuff and change into better workout apparel and then he's out of the hotel again, the air so hot and thick it feels like it gets stuck in his throat during every inhale. they're supposed to have a team meeting right now. most of them are probably there, but jan honestly can't bring himself to join them. even if he's breaking at least four rules right now. 

the first ten steps during running always hurt. his body has gotten so used to being overexerted and in pain that his mind expects excruciating pain in his joints even when it shouldn't be there because he still feels like he should be hurting somehow. it doesn't matter how much emotional pain he's in because it's the physical one that matters, the one that the team doctors care the most about. 

it should stop hurting completely after twenty steps. it doesn't. his knee aches and his ankle feels like it's it's falling apart beneath him but he doesn't stop because he can't. he's never been good at telling when it's enough, when he should stop because he's taken it too far. so he doesn't stop. his legs keep moving and his lungs try their best to function in this godawful heavy heat.

he'll stop when his knees buckle beneath him or when his lungs start to constrict or when he starts seeing white dots in front of his eyes. a hundred more steps and he'll be leaving the hotel ground. that's one more broken rule. he's already feeling a bit out of it, his forehead cold sweating and his heart beating a bit too fast. he'll stop when his body gives out completely.

they lost. they came in second place. after everything, they lost to liverpool. being beaten in the group stage would feel better than this, because they were so close, so close they could almost taste the gold. 

he's out of the hotel grounds now, leaving his guaranteed safety behind and entering a space that, according to the team staff, is unsafe for the players to be in by themselves. the thoughts about no one caring if he'd get hurt push their way to the top of jan's mind, no matter how much he tries to ignore it. no one cares. he couldn't give them their win. he couldn't defend their goal properly. no one would care.

his eyes are starting to lose focus. they can't keep check on what's going on in front of him and he doesn't really know what's going on at all around him because his ears are slowly getting blocked, turning every sound into a dulled one, like he's underwater. even when the bile starts to rise in his throat, he keeps running. it's the only thing that can keep his bad thoughts to a minimum. 

after a hundred more meters, his foot hits the edge of a sidewalk, something clicks in his ankle and all the pain he's feeling is suddenly magnified a hundred times. his body gives out completely. he's finally allowed to stop running. he slumps down on the sidewalk he just ran into and curls up with his knees to his chest and his face buried in his arm. suddenly, everything's way too much. his body hurts and his heart hurts and he's pretty sure he just caused himself another injury and he can't find his way home because he didn't look where he was running.

his phone keeps vibrating and he fumbles in his pocket to get it, almost dropping it four times before it's steady in his hands. he has fifteen missed calls. eight of them are from toby, three are from poch and the last four are from eric. his display tells him he has thirty unread texts, too, but he's pretty sure only half of them are from people who are worried about him disappearing, the rest of the messages coming from people who just want to console him about the game.

he's just about to dial toby's number to ask him to please come get him because the tears burn in his eyes and his body feels broken, when his phone lights up, telling him toby is calling him right now. his hand trembles as he slides his thumb over the screen to accept the call, and as soon as he hears toby's voice, his emotions take over and a soft sob escapes him as he drops his phone to the ground.

"jan," a muffled, tinny voice says and jan presses the speaker button to make it louder, because he feels too exhausted to pick the phone back up. "hey, sweetheart. can you hear me?"

"i don't know where i am," jan manages to croak out, cheeks now wet with tears. "i hurt my ankle."

some shuffling is heard through the phone, toby moving somewhere and talking to someone, but jan wishes toby could focus on him completely because he's honestly scared and his chest feels way too tight over his lungs. just a few seconds later, he hears toby's voice loud and clear and realises that he's talking to him again.

"turn your location on, honey. i'll come get you, okay? i'll bring a medic. everything will be alright."

"no medic," jan sobs, shaking his head even though he knows toby can't see him. "only you, please, only you. come get me, please."

"okay. only me, jan," toby reassures him, voice gentle and slow, like he doesn't think jan could handle anything harsher. (he probably couldn't.) "turn your location on for me."

jan does as he says and wonders when toby made it possible to track his location. it was probably when he used to do this all the time, when he'd run for hours, until he couldn't find his way home even with a gps because his mind was too hazy and his hands shook too much.

"i'm on my way. you're not that far away, i'll be there in a few minutes. just breathe and wait for me."

it's easier said than done. toby stays on the phone with him and instructs his breathing (breathe in for four seconds, hold for two, breathe out for five), but jan's body keeps telling him he's running out of air, he needs to breathe quicker. the tears burn in his throat and he's hyperventilating and he just wants to be home, hide in his bed, never play football again.

after seven minutes (didn't he get further than this, it felt like he ran for hours, can't his body do better), toby's there. he brought a water bottle, which he immediately tilts against jan's lips, making him empty the entire thing. it's still difficult to breathe, but toby being there makes everything feel a hundred times easier.

"does it hurt a lot?" he asks, sitting down next to jan on the dark sidewalk. jan nods and he wants to explain the pain he's feeling so badly, but as soon as he tries, his voice breaks into yet another sob. "let me see."

with careful hands, toby examines his ankle, feeling and pressing to see what hurts and what feels okay. he's so careful that jan barely feels what he's doing, and his cold hands soothe the warm swelling. somewhere in the back of his head, jan's aware his ankle probably isn't broken, but the mere thought of the recovery it would require makes him release another sob.

"it's just a small sprain," toby soothes, wiping jan's cheeks with the sleeves of his thin cotton shirt. "we can talk to one of the doctors tomorrow. you'll be as good as new in a few weeks."

he lets jan catch his breath and calm down for a few more minutes before getting back up. jan can't help the wince he makes when he stands up as well and accidentally puts too much strain on his swollen ankle. toby's right there, though, with a steadying arm wrapped around his waist.

the walk back takes fifteen minutes because jan can't really walk properly and toby's strong, but not strong enough to support all his weight the entire way. neither of them speak, except for the occasional "you're okay," from toby whenever jan gets nauseous or lightheaded and has to take a break. 

the two of them are placed in different rooms because management wanted the players to have a room to themselves and to not have to deal with roommates bothering their sleep, but jan's still brought back to toby's room. however, the bed is made with two duvets, blankets and four pillows, like someone purposely adapted it to fit two people.

"let's get you out of these clothes," toby mumbles, mostly to himself, as he sits jan down on the bed. he starts by removing his shirt and jan would never be uncomfortable in his presence but toby is still so careful when he removes his joggers to make sure he doesn't feel forcibly exposed.

the socks are the worst part, at least the left one. his foot hurts so bad, even more now when he hasn't used it for a while, and he winces as soon as he sees toby bring out the compression bandages. the bandaging hurts, but it's over soon and he actually feels a little bit better afterwards. 

it's first when everything's done that jan notices how much he's shaking. he's freezing and his entire body hurts and there's so much anxiety in his heart that it feels like it's going to be there forever. there's soon a hoodie covering him, though, and toby's maneuvering him into bed.

"i'm here," toby soothes, covering him with the warm duvet. "don't worry. i'm here. we'll sleep and everything will feel better tomorrow."

it's not true. they will still have lost the game and jan's ankle will still be injured and he'll still be a failure because he let them down, he couldn't perform, he couldn't give them the biggest win they could have, he couldn't-

"baby, it's- you don't have to cry." jan hadn't even noticed that he was crying, but when toby strokes his cheek he can feel the wetness spread all over his cheeks. "there will be other games. this isn't the end of world."

"i'm not-, i'm not," jan so desperately tries to get out what he's feeling but the sobs keep getting in the way, interrupting every single word. "not upset about th-the game. i j-just don't want-" another sob, countless more tears leaving. "don't want to b-be a disappointment."

toby pulls him closer, keeps him close under the covers, and kisses his forehead. jan can tell he's upset, too, knows he takes every loss to heart, and he wants to console him so badly.

"no one thinks you're a disappointment. they understand. they love you. i love you."

jan nods, swallows his tears and pushes himself upwards to be able to kiss toby's forehead too, just to give some comfort back to him the best he can. toby sighs, his breath shaky with sadness and defeat, and it's not fair to force him to push it back anymore.

"we'll be okay tomorrow," he whispers, even though he doesn't believe it himself. "you're amazing. i love you too." and he knows those parts are true. they have each other.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading! leave comments and kudos if you feel like it i appreciate it a lot<3


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